Anne Marie Wells Poetry Pop-Up

So as to not feel helpless.

All day today I have been feeling many of the same feelings that I felt after my dad was first diagnosed with terminal cancer and after he passed away. I would have brief moments where I was distracted and would forget the eviscerating knowledge for just a minute... then I'd remember again... No, it wasn't a dream. This was real. This will never not be reality again. And then the grief would start all over.

When I was in acute grief after my dad died the "Five Stages" didn't really cut it. They didn't give me anything to do. I felt like I was drowning in self-pity. So, I thought it might be helpful to some of you out there to read excerpts from the "how-to guide" to grief I put together as I was experiencing it that eventually became the foundation of my book Survived By alongside some notes on how I am implementing these steps right now.

Here we go…

1. Oh my god, my heart is telling so many people to fuck off right now, and I am honoring that. The "fuck off" might not be forever, but it is what I need right now.

2. I am not only accepting help, but I am also seeking help and offering help. (Like this post—this is my small contribution.) I am accepting help from the poets. All their poetic offerings. I am even accepting help from the cosmos/god/the universe. Whatever I can get.

3. I am so fucking grateful I have my son who smiles at me because elections mean nothing to him, and who snuggles me and rubs his forehead into my collarbone, who cries "Mama" when he is upset. He allows me to stay present. He allows me to stay.

4. I am finding control in unfollowing every single news outlet and unfollowing unhelpful assholes who do nothing but add to the anguish so many people are already experiencing. I deleted the NYTimes app off my phone. I am rededicating myself to my craft and using my craft to serve others. I am not looking at the news for awhile. That is what I can control right now. I can control how I interact with my son and my partner even though I’m filled with despair. I can control calling my mom every day to make sure she’s doing okay. I can control eating a protein shake to make sure I’m nourishing myself even when I don’t feel like it. I can control going to bed early and not doom scrolling.

5. My core values are justice, equity, diversity, and inclusion. My core values are bodily autonomy and consent. My core values are feminist and intersectional. My feelings are caused by a sense of betrayal to these core values. I will not numb. I will not pretend like this isn't happening.

6. I am here.

7. Someday I will be here, but I am not there just yet. Maybe I am just in the “follow your curiosities” phase. I am thinking about starting a monthly poetry book club and using my Listener Poet training to share untold stories. I haven’t followed these curiosities yet. Just exploring curiosities.

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Like I said… the pain isn’t numbed away, but I am coping better than I was in 2016, and I think it’s because I have this guide to not only remind me that my feelings are valid and normal, but now I have something to put my emotions behind. I feel more empowered to do something with my rage and anguish with this guide. I hope that it can be helpful to you as well if you are currently drowning.

Lastly, let me leave you with words from Carrie Fischer: Take your broken heart, make it into art. That was how Survived By was born, and if there is any modicum of a silver lining, it’s that your goddamn beautiful hearts are going to make some goddamn beautiful art, and that will always make the world a little less terrible.

Love,

Anne Marie